it tends to get old (sounds like a you problem)

not so long ago, i had a wife - christian may hurt, but i considered myself married.

that's not how they make for better or for worse, though. we cut out our own tumors, went our separate ways, and got better.

instantly.

we don't care about each other now. (if i saw her ever again i'd rip my face off.) so we must never have cared about each other at all.

isn't that how that works? but that's not really what i'm talking about, now.

if i ever saw you in person i'd rip my face off. not immediately, but later. later on down the line of perpetual embarrassment that always, always comes.

i don't know how to tame myself. i don't how to be understood.

you say you enjoy my odd ("unique") company, but it's grating, i know that. i know it because you're honest. you're honest with me.

you're grating. you're rotting. you're tired, and disabled, and disconditioned, and i have never once in my life helped with any of those facts.

you're everything but actually comfortable with me. just like i'm not actually comfortable with you.

you're like an oracle to me. if i had infinite money, i wouldn't pay to hang out with my therapist, because you're not supposed to do that, because that's pathetic. because, in a voice recalling rocky balboa, you're better than that. anyway, you're supposed to be.

"even if you cost one million dollar and do nothing but play stardew valley all day i'll buy you" great news on this front: i don't play stardew valley. i'm not even that easy nice.

it sounds like i'm complaining, doesn't it? but of course, it's just as you said. i'm not in agreement with myself. i assail myself with admonitions and reprobations, but i don't agree with myself. why would i? i'm dumb. i'm really, really dumb. and the smart part of me doesn't want to agree with a dumb person, a rude person, an unthinking person, a crude person.

"the pain is over it's gone. just relax" and don't you remember how no one in history, especially those in any sort of spiritual pain, has ever liked being told to "just relax" ?

i don't like your forgiveness. it's scary, touch and thwise. i don't like how calmly you tell me that i've hurt you, but also it doesn't matter, and wait for it to hurt me instead but expect that i'll forgive myself to make it stop hurting.

that's not normal. that's not how a person who doesn't go to therapy (ever, or anymore) thinks. and since it's not appropriate for me to process myself through and via you, it's not appropriate for you to expect me not to blow up.

not to go and blow up in secret. it's a me problem. you are not a part of me. we are not each other's belignant tumors.

we are instantly better and worse than we have ever been. we are instantly up and out on the rocks.

all my vitriol for you; let me smile and nod so sweetly.

i'm putting it here so i won't put it on you.

i don't like to put things on you. i'm much better at laying them at your feet.

most of all, i don't like to put you out. so instead, i do the honorable, timely thing, and i take myself out back.

you know my first cast iron skillet i bought for myself i threw out when i fucked up the seasoning. even though i knew with extra and difficult effort it would be fine. i was ashamed to ruin it and thought it would be easier to start over. the second time i ruined my pan was this summer. i was ashamed but i took a few hours to fix it and a few more hours to reseason it and it still sticks more than it used to because im still repairing the damage i did but it sticks less every time. and one day ill fuck it up again and i'll have to do this again but i'm willing to bet it won't happen as fast and it will be easier to fix because i've been learning from my mistakes. i hate feeling ashamed and incapable. i hate knowing im not great at using the damn pan yet. but i decided to see it through so that's what im doing

what i'm saying is
please don't throw me in the dumpster in the middle of the night like i did with my first cast iron pan
i know that pan is going to rust again. one day ill cook dinner in it and i won't be able to clean that day. but when im ready im going to treat the rust and start the seasoning process over