a girl's best friend

i'd spit up blood to be girl's best friend
a disgusting thought, laid ends to ends
trivialization, rib colonization
devoid of every love sensation

i hate that term. i always have.
it's awkward, clunky, never salve
it gets in the way of deeper meaning
it stops the nuance of wonder dreaming

don't call me that, and deny me a pet
don't act like it's just "not there yet"
i know i'm lost in eternal spiral
but leave me, then, infection viral

i don't want to see girls kissing up, and kissing
i don't want to know about what you think i'm missing
i don't want to see your blue bracelets, bets
i'd rather be strapped in a tourniquet

i'll never know you, anymore
i can't play fetch at courtship's door
i can't be what you want me to be
because you don't want me. i know. i see.

i know it sounds bitter, unrighteous, fucked-up
i know it sounds like i think she's got all the luck
but why would i think that? she's just got you
you're a fresh stranger, and i'm the stripped screw

together forever, and ever, and ever
away from my ignorance, light as a feather
dreaming in dogland 'bout leashes that tie
i made you. you made me. i once called you my

and i hate what i made. i hate my delusion
i hate my persistence, to a sick-set contusion
all my work wasted, because i thought i did something
you found your purpose, and i'm still just hunting

i don't know what i want. i can't hardly yet see
i'm craving the ego death, you minus me
my snarl so filthy, my haunches a-hackle
i'd call you a witch if i thought you would cackle

but these are my weakest, some-palest shtick rhymes
that i should still wait for you, sinking on time
i'm waiting for wagging for wishing for dreams
i'm waiting for you - come apart at the seams

you won't ask me to jump. you don't want me that high.
you think that i'm just not that kind of a guy
i'm not your best friend. i was only your worst.
i was only the only, your blessing for curse