don't ask don't tell (you can go to hell)

i've seen real lesbians, in my life now.

real lesbians aren't labeled. not "unlabeled", no label. it doesn't come into it. they aren't sapphic, just partnered.

real lesbians have partners, not wives. it's not fun. it's not whisper-toothed assumptions (it's only ever assumptions).

real lesbians have children, get divorced.

real lesbians are culturally heterosexual the same way the united states is culturally christian.

real lesbians are nonpreferential. real lesbians don't defend (don't have to defend) what it is about women that they love. real lesbians are too old for that bullshit. real lesbians don't like, don't love.

real lesbians are passing mentions. real lesbians try not to mention it. real lesbians don't let their anecdotes center around their wives partners.

real lesbians don't bring it up. their affairs are to be gossiped about - for others to decide when we're worthy of interest.

they tell me the story about lisa, the connection with kim. the lawyering and the estrangement. the hornist that wears a white t-shirt under her black suit jacket has specific cutthroat conflict with her family over it. i never told them; it never came up. i have a "nice young man" who isn't.

i'm milquetoast and naturalized. my suspenders are silly and ostentatious, not truly subversive or masculine. my haircut could belong just as easily to a straight woman. except, i'm not even old enough to be a woman. could it? does it? am i really?

i'm a girl, not a woman. i'm a guy, not a man. and i'm a doll, because i'm just as nonsexual as a real lesbian, but i don't have the simmering rebellion that lets people know it goddamn matters to me.

i wear rings on the wrong fingers, thinking no one will notice but desparate for them to do so anyway. calculated spellings - am i stupid, gay, or just too unobtrusive to be noticed?

no one cares. of course no one cares.

i shouldn't care. real lesbians don't care.

so fine, sure, i'm not a real lesbian. i won't call myself that.

but if i don't...then what?

then what will people think of me?