wasp in the window

Chapter 01: you're not supposed to stand on it
Chapter 02: this one is so bad omg

I was feeling inconsolably (unconscionably) lonely this week, so I decided I don't belong anywhere and never have. Never will, but I'm not worried about that. I determined that this should be a victorious feeling. Never will! Oh, yes.

And then it took me fifteen additional minutes beyond those requisite to pack myself up into my little black box to pack myself out into my little silver box which I had parked perfectly in the last aisle - hadn't even bothered trying to get a convenient spot, that's right!

I don't belong here, I said. This isn't for me. I've merely put on my face, which doubly demonstrates how truly I do not belong. My ugly, fake little face.

And then the belonging came chasing alongside me, pecking at my scapulae: here is conversation, here is fellowship, here is *contribution* by *YOU* !

I had wanted to take my face off. I had wanted to go away. But was it habit that shook hands, smiled at me, and warmly engaged? Was it facade that said "I'll keep her in line" and squished back when hugged? Was it habit and facade that exchanged phone numbers, cross-checked when to see each other again?

But you're my friend, I said. Yes, I'll see you again, but you're my friend. You belong to me. I belong to you.

If I really didn't belong, I wouldn't be able to want to.

It is, in fact, easier to hold on than it is to let go.

If I say I don't like myself, there are two possible responses.

1) Why not? You're wonderful!
2) If you don't like it, change it.

Or various in-betweens about warts and all.

No one ever seems to accept that we may, as people who are not basically evil, just be, in some ways, bad.

We view human nature as both fundamental and changeable. Of course, fundamentally changeable. Infinite variance and diversity. Infinite spectrums of corporeal fascination. Without bad ends, that is.

Bad habits are not bad humans. Bad intentions are not bad individuals, unless they are, in which case, basically evil, but for the majority vote, we're all wonderful.

And that's great for you, but what if I suck?

I don't like it, but I'm also not gonna change it, because then I'll be a fake bitch, and I might even suppose that that would be manifestly worse.

Even though we're not supposed to hate what God gave us. I'd rather blame Him, I guess.