i walked right out of the machinery
In a happier world... Today I don't need a replacement. I'll tell them what the smile on my face meant.
virtual void await_shutdown(const std::function<void()> forked_func) {
Power lends one an air of capability.
Not for Mythra, though.
Up went her high and mighty, swell and fancy preparation-marked Artifices, with all their armaments, and her uninhibited energy sword flung full-out to match Malos's fury. This is what I've been waiting for. This is everything, now.
Is it? Really? What does it mean to be admirable? At this stage, or ever?
There was nothing half so impressive about the way she lost Ophion back down into the clouds, the way she took the hit from Malos's Siren into her own Artifice's shield with no thought to the way it would crash back down onto the Titan once weakened, the way she opened fire on Malos but really on Torna itself as if they were only in empty Elysium dreamspace, just her and her brother sparring for the hell of it.
Consequenceless.
For the hell of it. This sure seemed like hell, alright. All those things that started with control, prowess, awe-inspiring powers of the Aegis...just failures. Just full-scale widescreen cinematic ways to show just how really and truly green she was.
That's probably what they show you, in hell. All your mistakes.
(That's a good reason for Amalthus to think this world is hell, huh? There was his mistake, a literal trash fire burying its burning in the Cloud Sea. Stupid that you're gonna get to walk away from that, o high and mighty Quaestor. I bet no one'll even remember all the harm you did, now. Not when Mythra's taken the stage. But this...this wasn't the clout I wanted. This wasn't my dream.)
Your actions have consequences.
// expect RES_ERR_KEY to handle here, if we get RES_OK that's a problem (really!)
Can't I do anything right? Can't I be respected? Not even as the Aegis. Just as a person. This is Torna, right? Aren't Blades people?
No you aren't, Mythra. No you can't, Mythra. You never even bothered to try.
And why am I so mean to myself? Even Addam wouldn't treat me this way. He knew I was trying. And Minoth did, and Hugo, and Lora, and even Jin, I bet. Milton definitely--
Oh.
It doesn't matter what Milton knew, what Milton thought. Doesn't matter what Mikhail thought either, because now he thinks it's my fault.
It is my fault. It's all...all my fault.
One half of Mythra's brain was iterating that monotone, futile refrain - an infinite loop, while you've done it then you must keep repeating it and it would be so horribly wrong and selfish for you to ever stop, but then what can you do about it if you're forever occupied just talking about all the wrong you did, how will you ever do anything right, it's all your fault, it's all your fault, it's all your fault--
break;
And the other half was screaming just as loud as she'd been when within Siren's cockpit. The noise, the noise, the noise...unbearable. Not half so loud as the roaring of death and hellfire in the Tornans' ears.
(This can't be real, you said. Isn't it real, Mythra? Isn't it fucking real?)
I didn't fire on Auresco. It wasn't me. I'm not purple. I'm not purple! I'm not evil! Why can't you idiots see, it wasn't me!
You can't blame them, Mythra. It's not so cut and dry like that. And when the Architect's scourge is being laid upon you from on high, there's certainly no time to stop and paint a picture. No one's freeze-framing any slo-mo highlights of your performance today.
(They'd never seen your power in any semblance of what they'd expect to be its full, true form. Addam had made sure of that. So thanks a lot.)
Still, the noise. The screaming. The panic. What are you screaming about, Mythra? You haven't a scuff on you.
Trauma's not visible. Not mine, at least. Because they're all dead and dying. And it's all my fault.
Maybe I can become invisible. Maybe if they can't see me they won't blame me, anymore. Just have to...leave. Just have to get out of here. They're staring, they're glaring, I feel so hot, get it off me get it off me, oh god oh fuck I can't stand the accusing eyes, not anymore--
// small chance of a kernel panic here. watch your extensions
Hugo, dead on the floor. His face still looked so perfect, so much more boyish and angelic than any world power's leader had any right to be. And his temperament was just as even, just as gracious. Hugo died because Addam was frozen there on the ground. Because you left him there.
A Driver and Blade are one in body and soul, but Hugo didn't die protecting you. He would have, though.
Would Addam have done the same? For her? For Hugo? For anyone?
For Addam, Mythra was an image booster, but to Addam, Mythra was nothing more than a liability.
Mythra, you can't do this, Mythra, you can't do that. You know what, Addam? I can do whatever the hell I want! If you would have just trusted that I'm a nice enough person not to blow up the entire universe while I'm sleepwalking, just on a lark, maybe we wouldn't have ended up in this mess! Dumbass.
A dumbass is you, Mythra. For thinking that all of a sudden, after an entire year of using only the barest square pinky-nail centimeter of your power - and for good reason, really (right?) - that you could control it perfectly when facing directly off against Malos, who'd been exercising all of it without restraint for twice that long. That just because you were the Aegis, and he tried to stand in your way, that you would win out.
Fighting costs lives, Mythra. War isn't only attrition. This is so much more than just a mess. It isn't all even half as mundane as your life with Addam was.
Was Addam stupid to try to keep you contained? Yes. Did you ever bother to understand why? No. Not really.
But it's his fault! It's your fault. It's both of you, together. One in body and soul and mind of mindlessness. And Addam, a human, is still alive to shepherd home the rest of the Tornan people, the ones you didn't kill. He won't need you for that. He won't want you for that. Not after this. He doesn't even know if his wife is alive, right now. That's your fault.
Everyone always said Addam was such a good man. Lord Addam, his fan club shouted, oh you're finally back, and we've missed you so! No one ever missed Mythra. Because I'm not worth missing. No one ever will miss me.
// this is where a RES_ERR_KEY would be, like...really bad
Not even Addam. Good Lord Addam, my foot. He'll be glad if I disappear. Imagine how much easier it'll make his life. All his problems, gone in an instant. And that's a fucking shitty thing for a Driver to have to think about a Blade.
No Drivers do get to think that about their Blades. What does he think is going to happen now? Where does he think I'm going to go? Say Flora's dead, and the baby, and whatever. Hugo's dead. Obviously. Minoth'll have fucked off back to wherever the hell hidey-hole he came from, and Mikhail won't let us within a ten-Titanped radius of his family. Obviously.
So it's me and Addam, forever. He'll never get to get rid of me. And it's my fault that he wants to. It's. All. My. Fault.
(Obviously.)
So there! It's my fault! I should just go die, so I can't hurt anyone anymore.
I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.
(I never wanted to hurt anyone. I never tried to hurt anyone. I just wanted to save...I just want to save them, now. Save them from me.)
Silence. Peace.
Power lends one an air of culpability.
And Mythra decided that she didn't want it, anymore.
// expanded from a oneliner for clarity
int pyra = fork();
//if (!pyra) { exit(99); }
// someone will signal...eventually
if (!pyra) { cv.wait(); }
else { forked_func(); }
// dead code
return;
}
// TODO: fix thread pool hanging on shutdown or when connections aren't serviced properly
// (locking issues, can't figure out if live or dead, would have to multiplex the debugger and...yeah)
// this one's a lot of trouble...be patient with it. don't touch unless you know what you're doing
// (if you do and you don't then i'm git blaming you, i don't care how good your intentions were :P)
My dude, you truly were the first person ever to give my work a chance, and that will always stay with me. It means more than I can say, every time <3.