behind the lines
hello! i was going through my ao3 bookmarks the other day and i noticed that all of the ones written by you had been archived into a collection, inaccessible. Can I ask why? Is it just a temporary precaution, or are they gone for good?
HI!!!!!! i’m so sorry for causing any inconvenience - as it happens, as of just a couple hours ago, before i logged back into Tumblr, all of the works have been unarchived. whenever my works do go into an archive collection, there is a sort of safety net in that i’m too obsessive/compulsive to actually delete them from Ao3, because that means that all their stats and comments disappear too. something something media/data preservation, something something the work is really only complete to me once i post it (my spreadsheet more or less ensures that…).
now. i’m gonna soapbox on your lovely ask. i am constantly editing my Ao3 bio trying to say something like this…
as to why: i’ve just put a lot of pressure on myself, starting back when there was rather a lull in TTGC fic (my longest fic was in the works for a couple months before i made my Ao3 account in mid-May of 2021), to sort of be The Author in the [Xeno] tag(s) who has all the best concepts and ships and interpretations and style, consistently, universally. i want to appeal to everyone! i want everyone to love me! i want everyone to respect me! i want everyone to smile when they see my username pop up YET AGAIN in the tags. i want to be recommended! i want to be remembered… i’m not on Twitter so much anymore, and the culture’s obviously quite different here, so how do i even ensure that people who don’t browse the tags know who i am? hough…the impossible task…
so, i have only continued to experience that pressure in comparing myself to other creators (writers/artists) who are “less online” than i’ve been at points but have “better” work in terms of length, range, appeal, quality, imagination/esotericism/divergence, themes/mood/gravity, self-indulgence, representation…you name it. newsflash for me: that’s just not a thing! it can’t be!! fanwork is as varied and personal as each and every person who’s ever experienced media properties and expressed their thoughts in any medium or forum. i seek out other creators/fans who like the same elements as i do (all minoade fans, you’re on my list) specifically to converse with them and conquer my feelings of inadequacy head-on, and when i find myself scared to join a conversation with those who have become my best friends (or speculating from afar on ex-friends from whom i just grew apart, for these reasons or others) because i feel like i’ll ruin the “quality” of the conversation…it’s really not a good feeling. when i’m really feeling like a fraud and an intrusion, away go the fics…
all that to say: if you create something, if you think something, if you love something, i love you. even if it’s really hard and scary, i’ll make myself do it. that’s what i want my fandom experience to be about <3
(but most importantly THANK YOU for asking - i am glad that i didn’t see this before deciding to re-reveal the works, because it honestly might have spooked me, but seeing it now lets me know that it was the right decision :)