don't go making history

"I tried to save his son first...I hate that I could have known. The fact that there was no right choice, except that there really, really was."

Kepha Holly. Stupid Kepha Holly. They could have asked Seer for some. Their Collectopedia was mostly full - not like those were the only entries missing - but by sheer dumb chance they'd missed this one. And then, even if they'd had had it once, they might have used it all for a mission from the board, or just one to dry and paste into the book...

Nagi watched Seren grumble to themselves quietly, sorrowfully, but without pity.

"You chose the route you did because it was Sevvy Belgazus's son, because you knew the territory better, and because you intended to gauge the level of danger by infiltrating the smaller camp with only one prisoner, rather than trying to free two birds with one stone. These are all decisions any top-ranking BLADE or other official would have had to navigate, and you did yourself - not to mention the rest of us - no discredit by your actions."

"Discredit..." Seren mumbled. They hadn't told Nagi any of that. Well, maybe the bit about the son. He assumed so much benefit atop their relentless self-doubt. He was so much kinder than anyone should be, in a situation like this. To say nothing of how understanding Sevvy Belgazus himself had been. And that wasn't a prejudice against Prone thing, that was just a sentient being thing! Didn't humans fall into the depths of depression, never to recover, when their children died?

Why was Seren the only one this messed up about it? Not that Secretary Nagi ever looked any more or any less stern about anything, individually, besides the countdown calling out to the Ganglion Ghosts on high - humanity's inscrutable sigil, their own broadcast star. And how many innumerable sons and daughters would die, then, if they didn't find the Lifehold Core in time?

"No dishonor," Nagi intoned gently. No such threat of irredeemable irresponsibility.

But Seren wouldn't be treated that easily. "What do I know of honor? I should be so detached..."

"I never said that you should," said Nagi, perhaps somewhat bitterly, ruefully nonplussed. "Our humanity, as BLADEs both mimeosome-human and refugee-xenoform, is one of our greatest assets."

Uzoma Vassago would never get to become a BLADE, because Seren had been impatient, and acted without counsel. Would the Defense Secretary even have been available for such a trivial triage? But then, the Director General had been intensely interested in all Prone movements and sentiments observed and expressed thus far.

Seren really didn't want to think about having to face up to Maurice Chausson when it came to lives needlessly, senselessly wasted.

Would they rather have lost both of the Valdileo brothers (though it seemed impossible, but then losing Uzoma had seemed impossible until the very moment it happened)? No, probably not. And yet, despite welcoming the Prone to NLA, Seren found it difficult to connect with any one individual the same way so many of the BLADE field operatives seemed same-faced and unremarkable. Maybe most of the humans were more voluble in their enthusiasm about absent comrades, but when the Prone were so serious, so devoted...

Ugh. Damn it.

Seren wasn't disgruntled enough to walk away from a conclave with the Defense Secretary, though. They'd listen to anything Nagi had to say, and they'd try their darndest not to be too belligerent about it.

Of course, Nagi was still watching them, brows furrowed and jaw either clenched or just always set squared like that.

Then, "What will you do now, Seren?" he asked.

"Live to fight another day," they replied, affectless. "It's not...I guess I don't really feel that my entire capability as a BLADE has been invalidated by this, but it's close. And we wouldn't restart all of NLA's progress for something like this, even if we could, I know that."

"You're wise, Seren," commented Nagi. Was his use of their name so purposeful? Maybe he was attempting to ground them. Maybe he was afraid they really might burst into flames and ichor if let to smolder for long enough.

Lin had been the one to request his presence in the barracks, and she had had the presence of mind to warn Seren that that was who would be coming, when she and Elma and Tatsu left. So, Seren had let themself slouch and slump and slag for about five more minutes, and then they'd sat up straight and begun rolling their neck into each unsatisfying crack until they heard the hiss of the door mechanism engage.

"Aw, sweet! My adult supervision!"

That had been the peak of their temerity.

And then, with Nagi seated across from them, gloved hands resting with gravity upon perfectly-pressed warhorse slacks, they'd shared some fruitless small talk. Nothing to latch onto, and nothing all that amusing. But for once, Seren appreciated it: the nothing-ness of it all.

What will you do now? Besides sleep for a week and try to forget about this whole rotten planetside dream?

Well, there was one important item of business, and it was something to keep Seren awake and fighting with at least some sort of passion.

"If there's anything else to do with the Prone...anything at all, Cavern or Tree, will you let me know?"

"You'll be my immediate first point of contact," Nagi replied, without a lick of appraising process or rebuke.

Savior guilt, much? But it really was how they felt. If Elma's team were going to be the designated Lifehold lackeys, Vandham's guard hounds, then Seren, personally, was going to be the careful, constant force supporting the Prone, and everyone else who decided to take roost in or on the Ma-non ship. Maybe they'd make a name for themself, in that no other BLADEs would dare to do something as stupid as they'd just done, out of either contempt or ignorance.

"Oh, actually." They sat up, with purpose this time. "My other question - what in the heck is a Belgazus, anyway? It sounds so familiar, I mean."

Nagi smiled at the sudden infusion of energy brought on by curiosity. "That would be a question for the Old Ones of Tormein, I imagine."

"Uzoma Simius really doesn't have the same ring to it..." And they wouldn't call him that, because he didn't live. He would be honored as he was always known, nobly. As his father said, he died in the belly of the beast, and not a moment sooner. No time to mourn, indeed.

But again, what should Seren, fallen star of Sirius, know of mourning, family, and honor?