Away, Away, Away

It's cliché, even cloddish, to keep speaking of rooms and the basic, boring portent of "romance", but you may find that the structure holds even stronger when I turn to Addam. Remember that Lora's Blades died with her, in alternate ways and means, and that Hugo's of course also did, and step now to Mr. Origo's, who were never once going to.

Addam Origo was one who, for all he counted all around him as his family, from the brightest members of the militia to the staunchest members of their quasi-mercenary band, cast his Blades very explicitly into roles. Rather, he cast himself into a very specific dichotomy as concerned them. To Mythra, he needed to be a guardian, a mentor, a parent. To Minoth, he needed to be a protector, a confidant, a partner.

What of friendship? What of intimacy?

Addam was afraid. Addam would always be afraid.

That was really the problem, all in all. The Aegis Malos had been given free reign, carte blanche, by his Driver Amalthus. There was no concept of "fitting in" or "being accepted" because Amalthus himself had never "fit in" nor "been accepted" by the groups he'd surrounded himself with. Rather, had been surrounded by. Had moved between. Even there, a strange sense of non-mutualism.

So what was Mythra to do? What was Mythra, the Aegis, to do, when Addam had communicated, in so many, many words, that she was not, certainly not, to go off on her own, but was also not, certainly not, to be close and friendly with him.

He attempted a parent. His own had been distant, absent, dead. But doesn't everyone know that it's very hard, nigh impossible, for parents to be their children's friends?

Addam had no intent to control, necessarily. Some parents are like that - some feel so threatened by the idea that their carefully-constructed system could one day be exited, let alone altered in some meaningful way (or any way at all) if the child doesn't leave, that they simply cannot, will not, do not abide it, by so many strange and contrived mechanisms it'll make you sick. The most ununderstandable of idiosyncrasies.

But that was not Addam. He was simply, transparently, trying his best.

Right? Of course, yes. Trying his best.

As was Mythra. As was Minoth. And just as much as Mythra was throwing herself at the wall to see what stuck, so too was Minoth. Not to mention Addam - never to mention Addam! Don't joke about it. They were all clueless, clueless, clueless.

Maybe Mythra felt the need to follow Minoth's example, and throw sweet nothings at the fluttering eyes of Torna's only bastard - not high, and thus low? - prince. She was perceptive, just as Minoth, and being observant makes an easy recipe for getting an in. Yet, she was just then as wholly artless as a girl, or adjacent, could be, and they all knew it, but what else do misguided people know, other than teasing? Teasing, or fidgeting, or squinting, or cringing.

It's painful to watch, isn't it? Better stand back. Better step away.

You know. That sort of a "step away". Nice, isn't it? To have no responsibility.

It's got to be. That's why we all want it. That's why Addam never took Minoth before the king and introduced him, made clear that not only did they travel with the helm of Mor Ardain but also they sallied with a soldier from Indol. Perhaps more trustworthy than the elusive Quaestor. Perhaps not, and who could ever know where the bar truly lay on that? no one. But here, and helpful, and a Blade.

Addam's a Tornan Driver. Sort of. Lora's a Tornan Driver. You could also say sort of, but it'd be about the Tornan part, and since Addam's "sort of" there too, he's sort of a sort of something or other that does his father no favors. Neither does Zettar do his brother any favors, but everyone knows that. Maybe even Zettar does.

Addam's fooling everyone, without even having to try. Certainly, without wanting to. Possibly, without knowing how or why.

Mythra and Minoth, not so much fooled. Dissatisfied, but lacking the bandwith - if you must - to communicate such an issue. Addam's issue isn't favoritism, one over another, energies unequally devoted, it's that he, almost, in a roundabout way, isn't trying at all.

And you may say, what do you mean, not trying? Look at him, he's right there!

But it's the responsibility that's got him by the throat. He can't try harder, even though he's young and strapping enough to deserve to have to. Because he could kill people. Because he could make certain other people, who could themselves kill people, very angry.

And it's all a horrible mess, and Mythra and Minoth aren't responsible, except that they are. Not codependent, but avoidant. Clamoring at the walls, bugs and bytes in a cage, get me out of this mess, get me away from this man, except--

I love him. Because I have to. Because I have no other choice.

(From my core.)

(From my heart.)

And I am responsible for reckoning with that. But I can't. I won't. I don't. Though I've got a hell of a lot of time left to do it in, since...

He's the only one who gets to die.